William C. Lokke Internal System Database Report - v.5.2.09
2PM - Hector claims unblastable. Fast forward 24 hours to the hodag house living room couch: compelling evidence to the contrary. Claim fucking defenestrated.
3:30PM - Dean decides that a car bomb must be done for every hodag tattoo present. Final count, 17 tats.
5:00PM – Kentucky Derby happens, upset is watched. Scallet is discovered to somehow harbor massive amounts of horse racing knowledge.
5:30PM - Best ham in the world consumed at a primal pace by beasts of the northwoods.
7:30PM – Rookies Simmons and Dan Park have their hands duct-taped to pitchers and make wagers with Shane and Lokke.
7:45PM - Both finish their pitchers of Guinness in 15 minutes or less, sending shots to both halves of Spainzilla.
7:46PM – Dan Park immediately sends the Guinness into the nearest bush.
8:16PM - Muffin uses the ‘wrong’ mustard bottle. “awww, guys, this mustard is gross”. Extra yellow variety, courtesy of Hohenstein productions.
9:41PM - Picnic table flipped over by Shane and Doede. Much laughter had.
9:57PM - Shane drop kicks Lokke in the face, Lokke slaps the fuck out of Shane
9:59PM - First ever tiki torch javelin event. No one impaled.
10:18PM – First freshman cornered by Riley in the pantry. No escape, no surrender. Heijmen’s laughs from the East coast, doesn’t know why.
10:48PM - Matt Crumb forgets that he’s a doctor and drops a rock on his head after slipping down the stairs. Apparently it’s not a good idea to carry boulders around over your head at parties.
11:05PM - Shane and lokke simultaneously pull the trigger behind gaynors house. Immediately rally for more car bombs.
11:11PM - Jfo detonates beer while sitting in the living room. One hit wonder, in the eyeball. Muffin screams “HEADSHOT”.
11:43PM - Seth in a drunken stupor, overheard arguing with the wall about fast counts and double teams.
11:49PM - Wiseman un’wise’ly passes out early and receives his punishment from an unforgiving tandem. Step one: peel the bananas. Step two: put bananas in boxers. Step three: smash and thank god you weren’t the one passing out early.
12:13AM - Freddy spotted doing pushups to failure; passes out from exhaustion immediately afterward.
12:30AM - Speaker spotted lurking around corners for next victim. Total body count estimated at 6.
1:35AM - Dean kicked out of Big Ten’s for being unable to reboot. System down. Black box still missing.
2:30AM - Open pantry guy freaks the fuck out, “I need the police, I can’t handle this” slamming the phone into the counter repeatedly and shouting at the top of his lungs, as the line of drunk people wonder what caused the tweak. Drew moves up two spots in line due to deserters fearing their lives.
3:30AM - Bert Kang just says no to couch, and yes to taxi. Why don’t they call it the Quadruple Tree?
